Memoir: The Pill

“You need to get on the pill,” he said as if this was just how it was.
It annoyed me a little.

I looked at him feeling a little defiant, and not even remotely interested in getting on the pill. Mostly because I had no idea how one would go about getting on the pill without their parents in tow. Sure, I could be pretty resourceful when I wanted to be, but honestly, I just didn’t give a shit.

But he was a grown up, and wanted to have sex with me, sans any unnecessary complications, so he had Tony drive me to the clinic the very next day. The fact that we’d already had unprotected sex seemed to escape him entirely. Still, I accommodated.

I sat in the dingy waiting room surrounded by putty gray walls and gray linoleum tiles. Posters were stuck on the walls with pieces of scotch tape that didn’t quite hold them in place anymore. A young girl sat across from me reading Cosmo. I stared at the catchy little headline on the cover: “10 Tips to Satisfy Your Man” and wondered at the wisdom of these types of periodicals at such a clinic.

My name was called out by some girl in a disinterested voice.

I shuffled up to the counter and found myself facing a girl with a name tag that said “Beth”. She was barely 18, chewing gum (loudly) and stared at me through heavy black rimmed glasses. She was pale, had mild acne, and not a lick of makeup on.

“That’s me.” I said, trying to appear older.

She was clearly unimpressed. Her eyes were bored and her expression said, “I don’t give a shit if you’re 15 or 50. I deal with your type all day every day. Big fucking deal.” But her mouth opened and she actually said, “We have your test results. You’re pregnant.”

I stared at her uncomprehending.


“Your test. It’s positive. You’re pregnant.” She repeated slowly.

I looked at the waiting area, scanning the handful of girls sitting there reading their stupid magazines.

“I think you have me mixed up with one of them. I came here to get on the pill.” My expression was condescending because I was pretty sure she had her wires crossed.

She looked at me with uncaring eyes. “No. It’s your test results.”

I blanched. No fucking chance it was mine. Now I was getting annoyed.

“No. See, I’m here to get on the pill. I’m not here for a pregnancy test.” Ha! Take that you nerdy little bitch!

She huffed and rolled her eyes at me. “Riiiiight. And before we can put you on the pill, you have to take a pregnancy test to make sure you’re not pregnant. Because if you’re pregnant, we don’t put you on the pill. And You. Are. Pregnant.”

What the fuck was she talking about?

This was like a bad episode of Candid Camera. I looked around and though none of the other girls were looking directly at me, I could sense that every one of them were listening intently.

“But I didn’t take a pregnancy test,” I insisted, ignoring the rising terror in my chest.

She sighed. “You peed in a cup earlier when you first got here. That was for the pregnancy test. You’re pregnant.” She paused for just a moment, still bored as ever. “Would you like to schedule an abortion?”

My mind reeled. Who was this unsympathetic bitchy little nobody to suggest something so final in such a blasé manner?

“No!” I stammered. “How can you suggest such a thing when I haven’t even had any time to digest this? Who are you people?”

“Then that’ll be $15 for the pregnancy test.” She said, popping her gum.

I wanted to poke her beady little eyeballs out with my thumbs.

I paid her and numbly climbed into the waiting car.

“Did you get them?” Tony asked.

I swallowed and averted my eyes out the window. “No.”

“Why no?” Tommy asked from the back seat.

I stared down at my hands trying to reconcile what had just happened and what this meant in the grand scheme of the rest of my life.

“Because I’m pregnant,” I whispered.

Tony sucked in his breath.

Tommy laughed. “Oh shit! Jimmy’s gonna be pissed.”

My heart dropped.

I could feel Tony’s eyes on me, but for the life of me, I couldn’t look at him.

“You okay?” He asked. There was no mistaking the concern in his voice.
My heart nearly broke.

“Not really. Can we drive? I need to look at things.” I said quietly, looking out the window at the nondescript building that had just changed the course of my life.

The car surged forward. Tony didn’t say anything and when Tommy tried to talk, Tony glared at him in the rear view.

What was I going to do now?

I’d never considered myself pro-life before. But I’d never considered myself not pro-life either. Honestly I’d never given the subject much serious consideration. But over the next few weeks my boyfriend and friends had plenty of opinions of their own…

“You can’t have this baby.” Jimmy said.

I bristled.

“I don’t love you. You’re not Catholic, and I’m not marrying you.”

What a fucking douche. First, I didn’t love him either. Not even kind of. Second, I have no idea how the subject of religion entered into the fray. And third, I had no intention of marrying him.

I took a steadying breath. “That’s fine. But I’m not so sure I want to have an abortion.”

“I’m not having a little bastard running around.” I could hear his agitation through the phone.

“It’s not your choice.” I said, my voice a little shaky.

“The hell it isn’t. You will do what I fucking tell you to do. And you will have an abortion, God dammit.”

I was stunned and my mind felt like mush. I couldn’t think of any way to state my case and I was more than a little nervous. I didn’t know everything about Jimmy, and frankly, I didn’t want to. He carried lots of cash. We’d partied in very expensive hotel suites, and Tony was some sort of strong arm, beck and call guy. But Tony had a soft spot for me and under that tough NY accent, he was a teddy bear. But I wasn’t so sure he wouldn’t hurt me if Jimmy told him to.

Jimmy was also from NY. I don’t know where because I didn’t ask. He was Italian and cute in his own way, but he was also an asshole. Whatever he did, had to do with sports. Specifically games. So much so that he tracked every major game being played and kept notes on the scores. Even during sex. I can’t imagine he was some lower level mafia, because on a rational level, I find it hard to believe that such an organization exists in reality.

This is the stuff of films and even as I write this, I feel like I was dating some kind of fucked up cliché. He was Italian, from NY, flush with cash, and he had Tony. And I had to extract myself from his world immediately with my unborn child intact.

I don’t know why I couldn’t abort it, and I hated referring to it as an “it” because I knew there was something much more substantial there. When I considered the life growing inside of me, my world went still. Of course I knew that I had done this to myself. This life inside of me was just a casualty of my indulgences. I had unprotected sex. Repeatedly. It was just a matter of time and I knew it. Still, I played the risk anyway as if I was invincible. So here I was: 16 and pregnant.

Now what? I had a lot of figuring out to do.

“It’s not yours, Jimmy. ” I said.

“How do you know that?” He demanded.

I’d practiced this for hours in my head.

“Think about it. We’ve been together just this past month. I’ve been pregnant longer than a month, otherwise the test would not show a positive this soon.” I took a breath. “I didn’t realize I’d missed my cycle already.” I let out the breath in a slow and steady exhale and waited.

“Really?” He sounded hopeful. And if I wasn’t mistaken, relieved.

“Really.” I said, feeling more confident.

“Halay-fucking-llujah! That is great fucking news!!” He laughed.

“I’m going to keep it, Jimmy.” I said with certainty.

“That’s fine with me. It’s not my fucking problem. Do whatever you want.” He was jovial.

I was relieved and irritated.

“Obviously we’re done. Not gonna sleep with a pregnant girl. Sorry babe.”

Such a fucking douchebag. What the hell was I thinking?

Wine Country Post #4

*Note: This is Posting #4 in a series of posts. If you haven’t read these before, start here.

First, the Wine Country…

If you look at a map of Sanoma County, just north of a little town called Healdsburg off the 101, there is a squiggly line called Dry Creek Rd. It starts out straight enough as it wends its way north west, eventually becoming Skaggs Springs Rd, at which point all hell breaks loose. It snakes its way south, then east, then south, then west, then north all in a seriously compact stretch of road, and it does this most of the way to the coast. On either side, there are vineyards with grape vines in neat little rows dripping with large green leaves and little clusters of purple and red.

We’d stopped in Healdsburg earlier to pick up something to eat on the road (my diet was destined to be very restrictive for some time eliminating fast food or even mainstream dining for the most part). I’d selected a freshly made vegetable sushi roll, some fruit and spring water. So there we were; driving our Porsche with the top down, a brilliant blue sky overhead, lightly dotted with fluffy white perfect clouds, vineyards on either side of the road stretching up hills and valleys as far as the eye could see, eating fucking sushi. I looked at Grant and said, “Are you fucking kidding me? This is like a scene from a movie. Who actually does this?” Apparently we do. Unreal.

It took us the better part of the day as we made our way to the California coast line. The road winded and dipped, passing old bridges, climbing and then dipping again. Being a race car driver, my husband was in heaven. I was enthralled by the scenery. Eventually passing through the wine country, we entered a denser region of trees that changed in character and size as we made our way north west. Towards the end of this stretch, redwood trees lined the roadside. The sun’s rays peeked through the canopy high above us, lending a very Lord of the Rings quality to the world. It was one of the most stunning drives we’ve ever done.

We climbed a small hill, passing through the last bit of forest and arrived at a stop sign at Route 1 (aka the Pacific Coast Highway). It’s called Stewarts Point, and was like being dropped in the middle of what I imagine Ireland to look like. Holy fuck. Don’t believe me? Google it and look at the images.

I’ll wait…

See? I wasn’t even kidding.

We stopped at the quaint little store conveniently called Stewarts Point Store where I bought an avocado, settled on the picnic bench and enjoyed some tasty eats. Grant was staring at me with warm yummy eyes and took the first of many photos of me.

Me and my avocado. Yum.

Me and my avocado. Yum.

Six Weeks of Wha? Post #3

*Note: This is Posting #3 in a series of posts. If you haven’t read these before, start here.


Within hours of my arrival in California, I had my appointment with my doctor, and for the first time ever, I had a diagnosis. Turns out I have a rare condition called Adiposis Delorosa, aka Dercum’s Disease (named after the fellow who discovered it in the late 1800’s). I won’t get into all the technical details, but the bottom line is that my body had been producing painful fatty tumors (lipomas) for decades. There’s a lot of them, and though you can’t see them on me, you can feel them. It’s so rare, there is very little known about it, and the existing medical treatments are mostly barbaric and ineffective. But the details of my illness are not the point of this post; I’m just trying to impart a frame of reference for the rest of the story.

The good news is there were things my doctor felt he could do to help me, not only with the acute symptoms that had intensified more recently, but also long term. I was admitted and underwent specific treatment, diet, etc. all monitored daily, with weekly blood work and whatnot. I thought it would be just a couple of weeks, but I was there for six, and apart from my husband for a full month.

It was the most difficult month I’ve experienced in I don’t even know how long. The treatment was rough on me and my strength was diminished. I was alone for the most part, and missed my children and husband immensely. I watched the Food Network and attempted to write. After all, I had fuckloads of time on my hands. But my mind was a puddle of mush. Words escaped me, and forget about prose. Not a fucking chance. I mostly rested. Which was what I was supposed to do anyway.

My husband and I Skyped every day. I pretended I was doing fine. Turns out, he wasn’t. As the weeks passed, he was less able to sleep without me. My daughter told me he wasn’t handling it well and she’d resorted to leaving him reminders to eat and to try and get some rest. He even blew off the last day of a racing weekend because he just wasn’t into it. I was worried. We both needed some time together, and after what I’d gone through physically, I needed some space.

I finished my treatment rather suddenly because I was, quite frankly, not managing well. After two days of dry heaving, I was fucking done. More than a hundred tumors had either completely diminished or were the size of a grain of rice. Brilliant. But nonetheless, I was fucking done. But I wasn’t. There was still another two weeks of after-treatment recovery and stabilization.

However, I was tired, weak and wanted to explore the world beyond the confines of my room. So, we decided that we’d rent a convertible when he arrived. We’d take a slow trip down the Pacific Coast Highway taking in the sights and getting plenty of space. Being raised in LA, some of my closest friends are still there, so the plan was to take it easy for a week there, and then fly home. Two weeks of R & R, lots of aesthetic space to help with the recovery process, and some much needed him and I time. That was the plan. And it was a good fucking plan.

“So, I was thinking,” he said. “What do you think of maybe taking a slow drive down the PCH, spending a week in LA, and then driving home from there.”

I looked at his adorable face on the screen of my laptop. “Um…”

But before I could answer, “I was thinking we could make a road trip of it. Take our time heading home, stop and check out random, obscure landmarks like the World’s Largest Ball of Twine or Tombstone, or whatever. We could take our time and give you a chance to really recover mentally and physically.”

How sweet. I was startled by the suggestion, but oddly excited. I loved the idea of taking our time. My doctor had already warned me that it would be a month at least before I would be back to any kind of normal (if I was lucky), so I was no hurry anyway. Although I missed my kids and my grandkids. California in September was pretty sublime, and that would get us home just in time for fall.

“Sounds like a great idea,” I said. “But what made you come up with this?” I know my husband. He is romantic, but there was more to it. I could feel it.

He hesitated for a moment, and then explained, “Well, it turns out it’s about a grand a week to rent a convertible. We need one for two weeks, and that’s at least two grand. I can’t just throw away two grand. So, I started checking around on Ebay and I found a convertible that I can pick up out there for about six grand, and I know I can sell it for at least eight when we get back, so…” I laughed.

This is my husband. Savvy as hell when it comes to things like this. Sold!

He arrived a week later in a 1999 Porsche Boxter. Unfuckingbelievable. The car was beautiful, but I only had eyes for him. A whole month without him; I missed him so badly, my sleep had gone to hell too. We held each other for many long minutes before letting go, and even then, our fingers remained intwined. He fell asleep with his head on my chest at 7:00pm, and slept soundly throughout the whole night. It took three days for him to catch up on the sleep he’d missed. I slept better than I had in weeks.

A couple days later, we headed out on our road trip adventure. Such a good fucking plan.

Continue to the next post: Wine Country >

Before California Post #2

*Note: This is Posting #2 in a series of posts. If you haven’t read these before, start here.


It had been weeks and I could no longer walk any distance without assistance. Forget about driving. I just didn’t trust myself. The exhaustion was nearly overwhelming, and my body ached all over. But that wasn’t the worst. I remember seeing a friend I’d known for over a decade. My mind groped for a name to match this face I recognized. “Hi…you,” I said awkwardly. What the fuck was wrong with me? This would be forgettable if it were a rare occurrence, but it had become part of my every day life, and scared the hell out of me.

I kept it to myself as much as possible, downplaying my symptoms while I searched for answers. Doctors, specialists, blood work, tests. No one knew what was wrong with me, and all of my test results indicated that I was the picture of health. Except that I wasn’t. Not even kind of.

Just before I left, my husband and I were walking from the car; he supported me as we slowly made our way to the door. The look of worry was plain on his face. “It’s okay, it isn’t anything life threatening,” I said, trying to sound reassuring. For an instant I saw a look of terror in his eyes; he’d been pretending that he was okay, too. “How can you know that,” he said. “You don’t even know what’s wrong.” And I could see that he was frightened. Fuck. He was right. I didn’t know. I had no idea. What’s worse is that we’d lost friends and watched friends lose spouses over the years. Each time it happened, we held each other a little tighter; kept each other a little closer. We’d talked about what it must be like for them. He’d get that haunted look, and that was the end of the discussion. It was just too gruesome to consider. After twenty four years, you get used to having someone there. The idea of losing that person is unimaginable. Yet, there I was, clearly not at all okay.

But we’d found a doctor. He was in California, but he could help me. That’s how I ended up in NorCal (Northern California for those unfamiliar).

Continue to the next post: Six Weeks of Wha? >

My Ghostly Encounter in St. Augustine

I’m going to tell you a ghost story.

It was our 19th wedding anniversary and my very first visit to St. Augustine. All I kept thinking is, “Why did we take this long to make this trip?”

I was smitten. There were buildings that were old. I mean really, really old. You get that kind of architecture in Europe, but not so much in the US. We spent three glorious days.

Not being familiar with the city, we stayed in a ramshack of a motel “overlooking the bay”. Our room was the very last on the second floor tucked around a corner with nothing even remotely resembling a view. The table lamp illuminated the kind of creepy yellow that made you look like you had jaundice. That was the only significant complaint I have about that entire weekend. Luckily we spent very little time in that shit hole of a room.

The first thing we did was acquire trolly passes. That little investment afforded us three days of unlimited passage throughout all the best bits of St. Augustine, with the added bonus of a nasally narrator pointing out all the city’s highlights. After a full two hour round of the complete tour, we’d decided what we wanted to see, and started from there. This really is a walking town, and regrettably, I’d worn the wrong shoes. That sucked. Needless to say, I packed those sandals away for the rest of the weekend.

St. Augustine Lighthouse

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Toward the end of our second day, we decided to head over to Anastasia Island and visit the St. Augustine Lighthouse. It was close to closing so we were the last ones to head up the 219 steps to the top. It was so fucking worth it. We had a 360 degree view of St. Augustine.

Still, pressed for time, we made the descent and headed over to the Keepers’ house. The ground floor is really the second floor and houses your typical museum displays; clothing from the era, bits of rope, things I don’t recognize tucked safely behind glass protectors. It was interesting, but we headed down the short spiral steps to the floor below.

Grant went down first, and I followed a few steps behind. About half way down I felt a tug on my hair. It was hard enough that it made me stop and look over my shoulder. I surveyed the immediate area and ran my hand over my head trying to determine what might have been the cause. My hair was down and loose, and I’d left my purse in the car so my strap wasn’t the culprit.

“Hello?” My husband called up from below. He peeked his head around and asked if I was coming down. I glanced over my shoulder once more, hesitating. “Is something wrong?” He asked looking mildly concerned. I shrugged. “No. My hair felt like it was being pulled. I have no idea why. Weird.” He looked at me with bored eyes. “So, you coming?”

The part that I found a little creepy were the water holding areas. There are two of them and there is a window opening in the wall for each with nothing but darkness beyond. I’m too short to see inside the little windows properly, but I was brave enough to extend my camera through to snap this baby. See? Kinda creepy, right?

Creepy basement room

Creepy basement room

Aside from that, I didn’t feel any evil vibes.

When we were done, we made our way across the grounds and into another building where we were forced to exit through a gift shop (of course). It’s pretty small, but we perused the offerings nonetheless. As we were getting ready to leave, I heard the girl at the counter speak into a two-way radio. “You closed up down there at the Keeper’s house?” She asked. A moment later, a voice crackled through the radio, “Almost. I’m just waiting for the last visitors to come up and leave.” I stepped up to the counter, leaned over and said, “There’s no one else down there. We just left and we were definitely the last people to come through.” She looked a little wary, and informed the other girl through the radio. I can’t be certain, but it sounded like the other girl said, “Oh hell.” If I were alone down there, I’m not so sure I wouldn’t have freaked the fuck out.

A couple months later, Grant and I stumbled across a Ghost Hunters episode involving the St. Augustine Lighthouse, and in a segment they covered the lighthouse keeper’s house. Kris (ghost hunter in training) comes down those same spiral steps to the basement and says, “So, I’m gonna head down to the basement. There’s reports of what they believe is a man-a blue man down there who likes to pull hair.”

My heart stopped. Holy shit! Grant looked at me with wide eyes and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end.

I thought it would be cool if I could find that episode and include it in this post. You’re welcome 😉

It took some searching, but it’s Ghost Hunters Season 3, Return to St. Augustine. In the full episode, that scene is within the last 10 minutes. I found the video below, which is Part 4, so the clip where she says this is within the first 30 seconds of the video. You get a good (albeit dark and creepy) view of the basement, and if you watch the video a few seconds longer, she will actually climb into one of the water storage rooms. *shudder*

Ghost Hunters Return to St. Augustine by oWcStunner